HELP WANTED: BIG BEAUTIFUL JOBS
Defense & National Security
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Lead and shape US military policy at $850 billion Department of Defense (DoD) by looking good in a suit and indulging the whims of the president. Requirements: 15 years’ senior leadership experience, or, much less time co-hosting little-watched right-wing weekend-morning news show. Five cool tats minimum (preference to plausibly-deniable white supremacist stuff).
DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Coordinate efforts of multiple IC agencies, ensuring timely and accurate intelligence assessments for the president to ignore. Improve intel collection and analysis by firing most of the people who do it. Inexplicable US adversary connections viewed favorably.
SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Oversee guarding US against terrorism, illegal immigrants, natural disasters, kinda illegal immigrants, and people who just look immigrant-y. Collaborate with state/local partners to get violent criminals off the street and into ICE training. Ideal candidate excited to glam it up. Think foreign gulag photos with a Rolex. Frequent sleevelessness a plus.
SECRETARY OF STATE
Demonstrate strong diplomatic instincts by minding own business, not asking questions. Minimize friction with global aid and legal organizations by defunding and closing them. Lack of surface-level insanity provides key contrast with more obviously wow-wow-whoa cabinet members.
Domestic Issues
ATTORNEY GENERAL
Leads Department of Justice (DOJ) in upholding American rule of law, or not. 4+ years experience as president's personal legal counsel required, just to make it extra super clear what this is
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION
Leads federal Department of Education, ideally off a cliff. Accordingly, only applicants with extensive background in professional wrestling need apply.
Finance Roles
SECRETARY OF COMMERCE
Oversees Department of Commerce, which promotes economic growth or something. Must be able to make case that tariffs are good or something. Gorgeous, long, old-man hair a plus, but only on back and sides. Not on top. That’s for the boss.
SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY
Manages increasingly shoddy US finances and improvised policies. False stoicism required. Why would anyone take this job? Successful candidate will have a “secret inside” answer.
Note: Defense Sec’y likely to be homophobic, so in event Treasury Sec’y has a problem with that, he’ll just have to save it for the memoir.
Health & The Environment
SECRETARY OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES
Pivotal role shaping/abandoning US healthcare policy by responding to/causing public health emergencies. Innovative approach a must. But, like, really innovative, like “unprecedented in the history of public health,” “brain enhanced by parasitic worm powers” innovative. Must provide proof of lack of immunization.
ADMINISTRATOR OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY
Leads federal agency tasked with protecting human capital and the fossil fuel industry. Plays a crucial role in addressing environmental challenges, like those eyesore windmills popping up near all the best golf courses.
Special Assistants
NOT HEAD OF D.O.G.E.
In this novel role the not-official-leader of the not-really-a-department Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) will very-temporarily not-lead efforts to streamline gov’t programs fast enough to avoid learning anything about why said programs even existed to begin with. Infinite personal wealth an infinite plus.
DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF FOR POLICY
Implement policy initiatives aligned with beliefs developed in high school when a Mexican janitor wouldn’t clean up after you like you wanted. In role as black hole of charisma, deploy flat, malicious cruelty to—amazingly—make POTUS look good by comparison. Ideal candidate will embody uncanny nexus of Judaism, National Socialism.